Hurting Hearts. February is Heart Health Awareness month. I've seen women wearing their red dresses, shirts, and scrubs on Women's Heart day. Magazines have stories about heart healthy diets and exercises. I've even gone for my pre-surgery cardio check-up during February. And there were plenty of hearts on Valentine's Day. Hearts to show love and affection for those people who are special. However, with the emphasis on our physical hearts, we forget about our spiritual and emotional hearts.
Right now there is a situation in my extended family that has resulted in hurting hearts. Hearts that are being broken by events that probably could not have been avoided. The emotional toll is tremendous and radiates beyond just the person involved. God has put into our make-ups the capacity to love and to hurt when someone we love is hurting. Sometimes I wonder why. Why such a gift? To me, the hurt I feel right now is just a small taste of how God's heart is broken when we disobey Him; when we fall away from His Will; when we forget Him in our daily lives. I'm ashamed to think that when I sin, when I don't tell my God I love Him, that I hurt Him. I don't need a special month to emphasize my spiritual heart for God. I need to do that every day of my life.
But what about those I know who are hurting? Whose hearts are being broken? I can't be there physically, but God has given me the privilege of being able to ask Him to touch them and heal their broken hearts. I just need to ask. He has promised never to leave me or forsake me, and I know He is ready to answer my prayers. I have to be ready for his answer.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
changes
During this election year, all we've heard about is change. With our new President now in office, I'll be waiting to see if change occurs. Will things ever really be different?
Change is also the theme of my life right now. These changes have nothing to do with politics or the economy, but are personal changes. Fortunately, I like change, and I usually embrace changes around me. First, my health is in flux; I'm healthier than I have been in the last six years. I'd forgotten what it is like to feel a little energetic--to feel I can, rather than I can't. I don't dread a trip to the mall or a visit to a friend anymore. I can make all the church services without falling asleep during the sermon. But, as I prepare to apply for another transplant, I'm a little worried about the change that comes with that--having to heal again from another surgery, more potent meds, and their side-effects, and the possibility that this transplant, too, will fail. I'm placing my faith in God--if it is His will, I will receive this transplant and it will last.
Secondly, my home life is changing. Although I've been an empty-nester while Elisabeth has been away at school, she may really leave home as she looks for a teaching job. Then it will just be my husband and I. This change is going to be difficult. When she's home for the summer, I have a companion to go shopping with, to go swimming with, and just to talk with. Rick works very long hours, so he is too tired to do anything most of the time. My son has been gone for over ten years, and he has his own full life back in Sanford. We lived in the same city with him when he first left home, so we could see him and his family often. But when my baby leaves, I'll be here with just Rick. I'm anticipating being very lonely when she leaves. But life is made of change, so I will have to support her in any way I can as she begins her own adult life.
Thirdly, my spiritual life is changing. It has to change to accomodate the other changes in my life. I'm excited to participate in an on-line study led by a friend of mine--this will force me to be more faithful in my devotions. I have pledged to be a more active witness for God. As much as I talk, this is still difficult for me. I'm beginning by watching the people I know at the dialysis center and sending them cards with scripture when it is appropriate. I'm hoping the cards will open a way to talk to them. Our youth pastor gave a sermon about service and serving with the right heart attitude. This is something I'm actively applying as I serve as a back-up pianist. Choir is a joy--no attitude problems there. But, I don't always have the best attitude when I'm asked to play the piano for choir. This week is the perfect example--I was told on Sunday that I was going to play the next Sunday for all services. That only gives me a week to go over all the music for choir practice, perfect the ensemble song, learn the soloist's song, and prepare an offeratory. But, I'm looking at this as my opportunity to serve--not my burden.
The Bible addresses the changes of life in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven..." The seasons of my life are changing.
Change is also the theme of my life right now. These changes have nothing to do with politics or the economy, but are personal changes. Fortunately, I like change, and I usually embrace changes around me. First, my health is in flux; I'm healthier than I have been in the last six years. I'd forgotten what it is like to feel a little energetic--to feel I can, rather than I can't. I don't dread a trip to the mall or a visit to a friend anymore. I can make all the church services without falling asleep during the sermon. But, as I prepare to apply for another transplant, I'm a little worried about the change that comes with that--having to heal again from another surgery, more potent meds, and their side-effects, and the possibility that this transplant, too, will fail. I'm placing my faith in God--if it is His will, I will receive this transplant and it will last.
Secondly, my home life is changing. Although I've been an empty-nester while Elisabeth has been away at school, she may really leave home as she looks for a teaching job. Then it will just be my husband and I. This change is going to be difficult. When she's home for the summer, I have a companion to go shopping with, to go swimming with, and just to talk with. Rick works very long hours, so he is too tired to do anything most of the time. My son has been gone for over ten years, and he has his own full life back in Sanford. We lived in the same city with him when he first left home, so we could see him and his family often. But when my baby leaves, I'll be here with just Rick. I'm anticipating being very lonely when she leaves. But life is made of change, so I will have to support her in any way I can as she begins her own adult life.
Thirdly, my spiritual life is changing. It has to change to accomodate the other changes in my life. I'm excited to participate in an on-line study led by a friend of mine--this will force me to be more faithful in my devotions. I have pledged to be a more active witness for God. As much as I talk, this is still difficult for me. I'm beginning by watching the people I know at the dialysis center and sending them cards with scripture when it is appropriate. I'm hoping the cards will open a way to talk to them. Our youth pastor gave a sermon about service and serving with the right heart attitude. This is something I'm actively applying as I serve as a back-up pianist. Choir is a joy--no attitude problems there. But, I don't always have the best attitude when I'm asked to play the piano for choir. This week is the perfect example--I was told on Sunday that I was going to play the next Sunday for all services. That only gives me a week to go over all the music for choir practice, perfect the ensemble song, learn the soloist's song, and prepare an offeratory. But, I'm looking at this as my opportunity to serve--not my burden.
The Bible addresses the changes of life in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven..." The seasons of my life are changing.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Well, Christmas is over. I think that this year I enjoyed my church's Christmas Eve service most. We had a candlelight Communion service. The church was beautiful; candles down the center aisle and beautiful flower arrangements with candles and white tulle blocking off the back pews. The congregation sat all together in the front half of the pews. It was nice to sit so close to my brothers and sisters for Communion. Pastor spoke only briefly, reminding us that the baby Jesus we sing about to celebrate His birth became the crucified Jesus who died for our sins because He loves us so. As I ate the bread and drank the wine, I was so aware of the seeming incongruity of the tiny baby in a manager and the bloody, beaten Christ on the cross. The son loved by Mary and Joseph became the Christ who loved me enough to die for me. This Christmas Communion pierced my heart and reminded me just how much God loves us all.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Merry Christmas! I'm happy with myself--I've sent out my Christmas cards, and I'm finished with my Christmas shopping. Now I can relax and enjoy the season. Our Christmas cantata is this Sunday, and I'm excited because it contains excerpts from The Messiah. Now, if our final practice will go well tomorrow, I'll be ready to sing and praise the Lord on Sunday. Actually, I'll sing and praise even if the choir is not ready. Praise comes from the heart and doesn't need to be sung perfectly for the Lord to accept it.
My daughter is home from college, and it's nice to have company during the day. We've shopped, and yesterday donated some time to the dialysis center by decorating their Christmas tree. This morning, everyone was complimentary about the tree. That's a good feeling! It's a little thing, but for the clients there, it's nice to have something to look at other than a TV screen and other clients.
I'm looking forward to spending time with my whole family on Christmas Day. I always love to see my son and his family, and I hope the kids will be happy with the gifts we've bought for them. My DIL asked me to buy clothes--which I did--but I had to get toys too! The little monkey has already complained when I've bought him underwear. Apparently, he doesn't think underwear is such a great gift. I don't want to be the underwear and pj Nona. I need to keep some good reputation with the kids. So, a small toy will do that.
Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year to all!
My daughter is home from college, and it's nice to have company during the day. We've shopped, and yesterday donated some time to the dialysis center by decorating their Christmas tree. This morning, everyone was complimentary about the tree. That's a good feeling! It's a little thing, but for the clients there, it's nice to have something to look at other than a TV screen and other clients.
I'm looking forward to spending time with my whole family on Christmas Day. I always love to see my son and his family, and I hope the kids will be happy with the gifts we've bought for them. My DIL asked me to buy clothes--which I did--but I had to get toys too! The little monkey has already complained when I've bought him underwear. Apparently, he doesn't think underwear is such a great gift. I don't want to be the underwear and pj Nona. I need to keep some good reputation with the kids. So, a small toy will do that.
Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year to all!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Memories
What a nostalgic day this has turned out to be! I was planning to do just a little cleaning and to run over to the library and Publix. When I was at the library, I asked about the state of Strawberry Girl, which I've put on hold twice and twice I've not picked it up on time. Strawberry Girl was recommended to me by my daughter. She read it for a children's lit class and enjoyed it. And, surprisingly, I never read it--especially since it's about a girl in Florida.
As the librarian checked for me, she casually asked if I had ever read the All of a Kind books. I was excited! I loved the All of a Kind series when I read them in elementary school. I learned so much about Judiasm, and I was so enthusiastic about the books, I wanted to convert! Thus began my day of nostalgia. I started remembering all the books I had enjoyed so much when I was growing up. Books were my passion--I read everyday and everything I could get my hands on. Now I'm determined to pick up Strawberry Girl on time; if only to remember the enjoyment I received from the well-written books I lived for as a child.
Then, when I got home, I decided to try out the CD player. My husband, for my birthday present, finally hooked up the CD player, cassette player, and turntable so I can listen to my music again. I've waited three years for this! So, on went the music. I just picked the setting for random, so I didn't know what would play. The Beatles made the first cut--again, I was transported back to my junior high years when Let It Be, the album, came out. Then on to an early Beatles CD and then James Taylor. I've been singing along and just enjoying remembering the times of my life the music represents.
What an afternoon! I was in the mood for a little nostalgia, I guess. The dogs have not been as happy as I. I don't know if it's the music or my singing, but they've been whining and howling throughout the afternoon. I think it's me. Surely the Beatles and James Taylor sing better than I!
As the librarian checked for me, she casually asked if I had ever read the All of a Kind books. I was excited! I loved the All of a Kind series when I read them in elementary school. I learned so much about Judiasm, and I was so enthusiastic about the books, I wanted to convert! Thus began my day of nostalgia. I started remembering all the books I had enjoyed so much when I was growing up. Books were my passion--I read everyday and everything I could get my hands on. Now I'm determined to pick up Strawberry Girl on time; if only to remember the enjoyment I received from the well-written books I lived for as a child.
Then, when I got home, I decided to try out the CD player. My husband, for my birthday present, finally hooked up the CD player, cassette player, and turntable so I can listen to my music again. I've waited three years for this! So, on went the music. I just picked the setting for random, so I didn't know what would play. The Beatles made the first cut--again, I was transported back to my junior high years when Let It Be, the album, came out. Then on to an early Beatles CD and then James Taylor. I've been singing along and just enjoying remembering the times of my life the music represents.
What an afternoon! I was in the mood for a little nostalgia, I guess. The dogs have not been as happy as I. I don't know if it's the music or my singing, but they've been whining and howling throughout the afternoon. I think it's me. Surely the Beatles and James Taylor sing better than I!
Friday, November 21, 2008
It's been one of those weeks. Bad dialysis, a cold coming on, money's tight, and the house is messy. But, as always, I have something to look forward to. On Saturday, we're going back home for our grandchildren's birthday party. Since two have November birthdays and two have the same birthday in December, mom and dad decided to have one big party for all four kids. I'm looking forward to watching them run and play in the park. Is there a sweeter sound on earth than that of children laughing? I look forward to hearing those giggles tomorrow.
And, of course, Thanksgiving is next week. And my birthday. I'll be 53 on Thanksgiving Day. Fifty-three years of living--more than half a century. I wish I had words of wisdom from all that I've learned in my life, but I think part of wisdom is learning it for yourself. I can't look back over the years and have regrets over anything. What was done, was done. And I can't look forward to years to come. I'm not promised any day but today. After being diagnosed with PKD, I think that fact really hit home with me. I hope I've become a little less impatient, a little more caring, and more open to what each day brings.
During this time of the year, I do thank God for all He has done for me. I should be thanking Him each day. I have wonderful children who make me proud to be their mother. As I've watched them grow up and mature, I'm thankful that they both are faithful to church and to God. My daughter-in-law is one of the best mothers I've ever seen. I appreciate her love and care for my son and their children. My husband has been supportive throughout our time together, but even more so now that I've a chronic medical condition. He may not be the most romantic man on earth, but he shows me he loves me every day by what he does for me.I have a sister who loves me, and my Aunt Nancy who is becoming my second mother. I don't have a big family, but the family I do have gives me love and support. And God has given me so many good friends. Some are long-term friends--Patti, Dana, and Susana. Some are friends I've made teaching--Maria, Kelly, Virginia, Johnette. And some are new friends--Sarah, Priscilla, Pat, Renata. Most importantly, God has blessed me with good pastors since the day I was saved. Bro. Chapman, Bro. Eddy,Pastor Turley, Preacher, Pastor Scott, and Pastor Johnson--these men have taught me, encouraged me, and, sometimes, chastised me.
Thank you, Lord, for all you've given me.
And, of course, Thanksgiving is next week. And my birthday. I'll be 53 on Thanksgiving Day. Fifty-three years of living--more than half a century. I wish I had words of wisdom from all that I've learned in my life, but I think part of wisdom is learning it for yourself. I can't look back over the years and have regrets over anything. What was done, was done. And I can't look forward to years to come. I'm not promised any day but today. After being diagnosed with PKD, I think that fact really hit home with me. I hope I've become a little less impatient, a little more caring, and more open to what each day brings.
During this time of the year, I do thank God for all He has done for me. I should be thanking Him each day. I have wonderful children who make me proud to be their mother. As I've watched them grow up and mature, I'm thankful that they both are faithful to church and to God. My daughter-in-law is one of the best mothers I've ever seen. I appreciate her love and care for my son and their children. My husband has been supportive throughout our time together, but even more so now that I've a chronic medical condition. He may not be the most romantic man on earth, but he shows me he loves me every day by what he does for me.I have a sister who loves me, and my Aunt Nancy who is becoming my second mother. I don't have a big family, but the family I do have gives me love and support. And God has given me so many good friends. Some are long-term friends--Patti, Dana, and Susana. Some are friends I've made teaching--Maria, Kelly, Virginia, Johnette. And some are new friends--Sarah, Priscilla, Pat, Renata. Most importantly, God has blessed me with good pastors since the day I was saved. Bro. Chapman, Bro. Eddy,Pastor Turley, Preacher, Pastor Scott, and Pastor Johnson--these men have taught me, encouraged me, and, sometimes, chastised me.
Thank you, Lord, for all you've given me.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Ahh, it's nice and cool today. The sun is shining, nice and bright; the wind is blowing; and the temperature is below 70. The perfect Florida fall day. Today certainly makes up for yesterday.
I try to maintain a good attitude about dealing with my chronic illness. And I usually don't have too much trouble. But yesterday was a hard day. I didn't get much sleep the night before--our blind cocker spaniel has her days and nights mixed up. She wanted to play and go out. I needed to get up extra early to be at dialysis by 5:45. Someone who is in my chair after me needed to come in early, so Nurse Judy asked me to come in early. I don't mind that--early in means early out. I even had a good tech. But, something happened and too much fluid was taken off--two pounds worth (one kilo). My legs started cramping; my feet actually curled upward, like elf shoes, and I couldn't get them uncurled no matter how hard I pulled. Then my blood pressure dropped. That meant I had to be turned upside down in the chair. I hate that. It was lab day, so I couldn't even get off one minute early. Finally, all my blood was returned and a little saline--the cramping stopped. Ahhhhhh.
It's this kind of a day that reminds me I'm not immune to the difficult effects of my disease. It's this kind of a day that reminds me that I'm not able to go through this alone. Yes, I need the techs, the saline, and a silent acceptance of the pain. As my cramps continued throughout the day, I needed the kindness and understanding of my husband. It's hard to push a vaccum when your foot is curled upward, and you have to walk on your heels! But, most importantly, I was reminded that I need God's strength--not just on the bad days--but on the good days as well. He is with me each day as I live with a chronic medical condition. He knows the reason why I am the only person, in a family full of PKD sufferers, whose condition deteriorated so rapidly. What do I need to know? First, that He is always with me. God has promised, "I will never leave thee or forsake thee" (Hebrews 13:5). Second, I don't have to continue in my strength alone, "Fear thou not; for I am with thee. Be not dismayed; for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness" (Isaiah 41:10). With those two promises, even a bad day is good.
I try to maintain a good attitude about dealing with my chronic illness. And I usually don't have too much trouble. But yesterday was a hard day. I didn't get much sleep the night before--our blind cocker spaniel has her days and nights mixed up. She wanted to play and go out. I needed to get up extra early to be at dialysis by 5:45. Someone who is in my chair after me needed to come in early, so Nurse Judy asked me to come in early. I don't mind that--early in means early out. I even had a good tech. But, something happened and too much fluid was taken off--two pounds worth (one kilo). My legs started cramping; my feet actually curled upward, like elf shoes, and I couldn't get them uncurled no matter how hard I pulled. Then my blood pressure dropped. That meant I had to be turned upside down in the chair. I hate that. It was lab day, so I couldn't even get off one minute early. Finally, all my blood was returned and a little saline--the cramping stopped. Ahhhhhh.
It's this kind of a day that reminds me I'm not immune to the difficult effects of my disease. It's this kind of a day that reminds me that I'm not able to go through this alone. Yes, I need the techs, the saline, and a silent acceptance of the pain. As my cramps continued throughout the day, I needed the kindness and understanding of my husband. It's hard to push a vaccum when your foot is curled upward, and you have to walk on your heels! But, most importantly, I was reminded that I need God's strength--not just on the bad days--but on the good days as well. He is with me each day as I live with a chronic medical condition. He knows the reason why I am the only person, in a family full of PKD sufferers, whose condition deteriorated so rapidly. What do I need to know? First, that He is always with me. God has promised, "I will never leave thee or forsake thee" (Hebrews 13:5). Second, I don't have to continue in my strength alone, "Fear thou not; for I am with thee. Be not dismayed; for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness" (Isaiah 41:10). With those two promises, even a bad day is good.
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